Don't Mind Me as I Do a Bit of Hacking
by LadyAxios
Summary: A new shipment straight from Mann Co: crates filled with hats and weapons, and strangely; a carefully wrapped gift with a bright red bow addressed to the Spy. The contents within will undoubtedly become the backstabbing Spy's worst nightmare: The "Do-You-Ever-Stop-Talking-Ap-Sap". Spy and Wheatley Core/Sapper fic. Criticism highly accepted.


**Don't Mind Me as I Do a Bit of Hacking**

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**I really want that new Ap-Sap, but people on TF2Outpost are freaking insane if they think I'll buy one for a bud! Anyways, I was looking up videos of the new Sapper and managed to find an video where it played all of Wheatley's quotes, and I literally squealed. It's adorable. I want it!**

**Anyways, the first thing I thought of when I started watching the videos was just how pissed Spy would be, listening to Wheatley talk all the damn time, and maybe even blow his cover! And of course, much of the Tumblr TF2 community thought the same, so what the hell! I can't draw it, so I'll write about it! Prepare for Spy and Wheatley/ Ap-Sap shenanigans!**

**Enjoy~**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Team Fortress 2 or Portal. Mr. Gabe Newell and his fancy Valve company does!**

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"Alright boys! Mann Co.'s got new weapon and hat shipments comin' in! Pick 'em up!" Shouted a jovial Engineer. He walked into the room, carting a large trolley filled with various crates and a strange wrapped box with a red bow on the very top.

Immediately, much of the attention went to the brightly covered box as many of the mercenaries filled into the recreational room. Soon the crates were distributed. Mann Co. keys disappeared and heavy crates peeled back to reveal strange weapons and silly hats, along with the lucky Soldier that managed to snag a glowing hat. That caused a ruckus among the mercs, but oddly enough, the attention reverted back to the colored, wrapped box. It was the last to remain on the trolley and none had yet claimed it, and to make matters more intriguing, there happened to be one member of the BLU team that had yet to receive a single crate. The Spy.

"Uh, seems here the gift's for you, Spy?" The Engineer stated, oddly looking at the chart in his hand. Spy never got gifts straight from the Announcer.

Spy uncloaked respectably, waving off the collective cloud of smoke wafting over his head. Finally, the Announcer seemed to deem him worthy of a gift. _About damn time._

Ignoring the other's looks of shock, the Spy nodded to the Engineer, took the gift, and walked off to his private quarters.

A chorus of disheartening comments from not being able to see the contents of the box came from the Scout. Spy walked away with a chuckle, lightly shaking the box as his fancy shoes clattered against the floor. The noise from his team became nothing more than eerie background noise the further he walked through the base.

Another shake of the box was met with little to no tumbling of the contents inside. It was making Spy mighty curious.

_Just what in the world was in this box?_

Finally alone in his room, Spy sat on his pristine tidy bed with box in hand and set to unwrapping the ribbon. Slowly but surely, the bow came undone and the wrapping paper went too. The exhilarating wait was finally at its peak as Spy lifted the box's lid and threw out all of the box's popcorn foam with haste until he reached the end.

He pulled out the letter inside first, setting aside the box and its item, not taking a glance at the true gift before reading the card.

The card read:

_Spy,_

_This device is a new item. You must know that as Mann Co. employees, we do not associate ourselves with Apeture Science, but Saxton Hale insisted we accept the gracious donations given to us. Enclosed in this gift box is a new Sapper. We want you to test it for us. We shall be monitoring your work on the field and expect feedback on the device after BLU successfully takes the briefcase during tomorrow's mission of Capture the Flag. This study is enclosed and not to be shared with ANYONE until further notice._

_- P_

Spy's eyebrow rose and his mouth twitched. Apeture Science was certainly the black sheep among their line of work, but if the Announcer needed it done, so be it.

He lit the letter on fire, letting the ashes of the card stock collect in his leather glove, eradicating any evidence of the enclosed information. Now the task at hand: the new Sapper.

He pulled out the strange Sapper and let the shabby box fall on the floor with all of the collected trash. He'd worry about cleaning it later, but for now, he wanted to familiarize himself with the new weapon.

He gripped the handles of the Sapper, examining its pristine white surface- no doubt the working influence of Apeture Science.

"W-woah! Oh hello there! Your hands are quite cold!"

The cigarette nearly fell from Spy's lips. He looked around haphazardly for the voice. How would anyone get in here without him noticing! He was a Spy after all. Unless it was that damned RED Spy-

"Mind turning me around, friend? The silence is unnerving! Kind of reminds me of the time when-"

Spy flipped the Sapper over in his hands, holding onto the handles with a death grip. His eyes widened significantly as he stared at a large blue optic blinking at him.

"OW! Easy there! That hurts! W-Well not that I'm weak or anything cause Wheatley's a pretty macho man, if I may say so myself. Yes. Pretty impressive and uh- Macho. Yes, macho… Are you just going to keep staring at me? Poor bloke's probably broken!

"Can you say 'Apple'? Say 'Apple'- 'Ah-Pple. Or you know, shake your head? Something? Hello!"

"Oh merde."

"Is that fancy French speak? Wait! No. Don't tell me! It is, isn't it?"

Spy glared hard at the device. The Sapper's blabbering already irritating him.

"Why. Are you. Talking?" Spy seethed. He ground his cigarette between his lips.

"Pardon?"

He groaned. Of course, he should have known. Apeture Science always did fiddle with odd experiments and they were known for their Artificial Intelligence. He would have at least hoped that they had exploited their studies further by actually testing these first before 'donating' them to Mann Co. If anything, they might've been a rejected project that Cave Johnson, no doubt, wanted to get rid of. Perfect.

"-And wow that box was just SO dark. Who knew when I was finally going to get out of there? Thank goodness you found me when you did!" The optic blinked again. "Wow you're still holding on pretty tight there. Yep, not exactly comfortable, per-say but uh, you know I don't want to be opposing or anything-"

"What are you?" Spy cut the thing off. He'd much rather listen to Scout blabber on. At least with the boy, he could send a bullet through his head, send him off to respawn, and have five minutes of silence to himself before the annoying roadrunner would come back to mouth off again.

"Ah! Apologizes! My name's Ap-Sap, officially anyways," The Sapper cleared whatever equivalent it had to a throat, and it's blue orb shrunk significantly. "But my friends call me Wheatley! Or well, they would if I had any friends… Does Companion Cube count? I guess the Scientists kind of count I mean-"

Its orb enlarged again and Spy watched with rapt attention. Just what on earth was Cave Johnson thinking when he made a sentient Sapper?

"What is your purpose?" Spy asked. It might be all-knowing, but with the way it kept talking, Spy doubted the thing knew much.

"Uh…" The shutters surrounding the Sapper's blue orb closed. "I don't know, hack stuff?"

"Don't you mean sap?"

The shutters opened again, the blue optic shrinking and enlarging again and again as Wheatley spoke. "Hack, sap, same thing right? Just disable stuff and expertly do hacking stuff. Yeah, hacking."

Spy scrunched his brow. "Have you ever actually 'hacked' anything, Ap-Sap?" He inquired.

"Oh? Not on friend terms yet? No Wheatley… Just Ap-Sap?" Spy glowered at the Sapper. Wheatley beeped and it's optic shrunk to nothing more than a small speck. "Yup! Ap-Sap sounds great! Honest! As to your inquiry? I am a MASTER HACKER. Just yeah, not to uh, 'toot my own horn' or anything but I'm a bloody brilliant hacker!"

"So you're not completely useless then. Good."

"What was that?"

"Nothing now stop talking for just a moment."

At that, the Ap-Sap went quiet, but its optic twitched and observed everything with the excitement of a five year old. It was odd, but nothing Spy really cared about. Now though, there was another problem Spy was worried about.

The Ap-Sap began humming and twirling its optic to an unfamiliar tune. That's when Spy realized he had a dilemma.

Spy let out a groan and let the Sapper drop from one of his hands. It dangled uselessly from one lone finger to clutch a handle between his bent knees. He ignored the cry of surprise from the Ap-Sap.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he could already imagine the numerous things that could go wrong during their match tomorrow.

Of course Apeture and its AI ingenuity would forget to keep this in mind when creating the damn thing. Create first and ask questions later. It's why Mann Co. and the rest of the sane world pretended their creations and organization didn't exist. Now, Spy had to deal with a talking Sapper with ADHD.

Did they never take into account that perhaps when creating a Sapper with a personality that it'd have to be quiet? With an occupation of a Spy, its constant yammering would give him away!

"Ap-Sap, stop humming," Spy muttered. Throwing his arm over his eyes as he lay back on his bed.

"Sorry, what was that? Couldn't quite hear you. I was listening to this classical song I have," A piano melody rang through the Sapper. "Cause you know, I'm not a moron. Quite uh, quite smart actually. Yeah. One of my favorite classical pieces. Really good actually," It beeped again. "I'm not bothering you, am I?"

Spy rose from his bed and tossed the Sapper behind him. The startled cry and whirl from the Ap-Sap rang and the classical music stopped.

"Hey! What are you doing now? That was odd." Wheatley asked.

"Cleaning. It seems you have made quite a mess." Spy, grateful that the occasional hum or comment from the Sapper wasn't quite as loud as before, cleaned his room and set the box by the door to be taken out to the trash before dinner later that evening. He still needed to figure out the workings of the Sapper before the match tomorrow morning, but he'd deal with it before bed tonight. For now, he needed to clear his head. Hopefully to forget any recollection with the rather friendly, intelligent Sapper.

He strode to the door and placed his hand on the doorknob, ready to set out and have a walk all to himself outside before dealing with the rest of his team. The Ap-Sap suddenly called from the bed.

"Oh, going out, are we? You know, I'm not complaining or anything. Just wondering is all," It hummed. "Don't mind me, enjoy yourself. Little 'Ol Wheatley'll just stare at the ceiling and count each little gradient. You know. Fun activity! Kind of like watching clouds. Stare at it long enough and it'll start making funny shapes!

"I can see them now! There's a ze-bra! A bloody zebra right there! It's got about 1, 2, 3…"

Spy rolled his eyes and let a scowl stretch his lips, leaving the device to its own pleasantries. Testing this new device might be more tedious than he thought.

He shut the door behind him and descending down the hall. He swore he could still hear the Sapper counting.

Weren't his walls soundproof?

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**End of chapter 1.**

**I'm not the fastest when it comes to updates, so please be patient! Next chapter will probably consist Wheatley showing Spy of a quick "Learning How To Use The Sapper 101 By Ap-Sap AKA Wheatley" kind of thing and a Spy doing a crash course of each of his enemies. Haven't really thought it through, but yep. See you all then!**

**Feel free to contact me on Tumblr for any inquires you might have on this fic as well. My FFN penname is the same as my URL.**


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